Be-CooL Xpress

A female computer consultant was helping a smug male set up his computer.

She asked him what word he would like to use as a password to log in with.

Wanting to embarrass the female, he told her to enter "penis".

Without blinking or saying a word, she entered the password.

She almost died laughing at the computer's response:
PASSWORD REJECTED.NOT LONG ENOUGH.

A s for arthritis
B s for bad back
C s for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight--can t read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I d rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees
(I ve got a few gaps in my M-memory)
N s for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P s for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux--one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus--bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W s worry
About what the X--as in X ray--will find
But through the word terminal rushes to mind,
I m proud, as each
Y - year - goes by, to reveal
A reservoir of undiminished
Z - zeal---
For checking the symptoms my body s deployed,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar,which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOOR?" The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"

A man is driving down a road.
A woman is driving down the same road from the opposite direction.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells
"PIG!!".

The man immediately leans out his window and yells, "BITCH!!".
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds a curve he
crashes into a huge pig in the middle of the road and dies . . .

If men would only listen.

READY?

STRIKE A POSE!

Just for Fun! Nothing serious huh!

(Please no offensement to the arab ladies)

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer
for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some E-mail".

**********

One particular four-year-old prayed:
"And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

**********

A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to a church service,
"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,
"Because people are sleeping."

*********

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her
husband to a therapist, who wound up treating him by teaching him the
technique of self-hypnosis.

To the wife's pleasant surprise, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, just before
Their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several
minutes.

This annoyed her until, finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying the therapeutic
technique. The husband was repeating an expression to himself:

"She's not my wife... She's not my wife...She's not my wife..."

I'm against liquor. That was the cause of my father's death."

"Drank too much?"

"No. A case fell on his head."

Ugh.....ouch....

Tobacco billboard ads ban takes effect in RP

Agence France-Presse (Through Phil. Daily Inquirer)
Last updated 07:11pm (Mla time) 07/25/2007

MANILA, Philippines -- A ban on billboard advertising for tobacco products came into force in the Philippines on Wednesday amid a legal challenge by cigarette manufacturers.
The Department of Health has ordered local governments to enforce the ban by pulling down all outdoor advertising of cigarettes, Health Secretary Francisco Duque said.
"While a war against cigarettes is sweeping entire continents to create a tobacco-free world, we cannot be the last nation standing without the political will to take the necessary steps against tobacco advertisements," he told a news conference.
The Tobacco Control Act was passed in 2003 but the government chose to enforce it only four years later.
It prohibits the posting of leaflets, posters, and similar outdoor advertising materials except inside the premises of "point-of-sale" retail establishments.
It also regulates the packaging, use and sale of tobacco products. Violators face a 5,000-peso (about 111 dollars) fine and a prison term of up to a year.
Local tobacco manufacturers have filed suit to challenge the definition of what comprises the "premises" of these cigarette retailers.
Duque agreed the campaign would be "an uphill battle" due to the strong tobacco lobby in the legislature. Tobacco is commercially grown in the northern Philippines.
"We at the Department of Health, together with other advocates in the health sector, must stand strong against all pressures from the industry to undermine the existing laws on tobacco control in the country," Duque said.
Government data show smoking is linked to five of the top 10 leading causes of deaths in the Philippines, with up to 35 percent of the population considered as tobacco users.

Forty percent of Filipino smokers are adult men while 15 percent are children aged between 13 and 15 years old, the health department said.
Every year, 75,000 Filipinos die of tobacco-related diseases such as lung cancer, cardiovascular ailments, and chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

BAN on Public Smoking, Cigarette Ads,What's Next?
For those smokers, we know the health dangers it CAUSE and COSTS.

The choice is yours? QUIT OR NOT QUIT!

WIFE VS.HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, “in-laws."

WHY PAIN EXISTS?

BEST EXPLANATION EVER!

This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen:

A man went to a barbershop to have his haircut and his beard trimmed.

As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.

They talked about so many things and various subjects.

When they eventually touched on the subject of God, the barber said: "I don't believe that God exists."

"Why do you say that?" asked the customer. "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, Would there be so many sick people? Would there be abandoned children?
If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain. I can't Imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."

The customer thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.

The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop.

Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard. He looked dirty and unkempt.

The customer turned back and entered the barbershop again and he said to the barber: "You know what? Barbers do not exist."

"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber.

"I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"

"No!" the customer exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me."

"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist!
That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help. That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."

Source: (my friend email)

DRINK WATER ON EMPTY STOMACH

Just today i got this email from my friend please take note of the advise....

It is popular in Japan today to drink water immediately after waking up every morning. Furthermore, scientific tests have proven a its value. We publish below a description of use of water for our readers. For old and serious diseases as well as modern illnesses the water treatment had been found successful by a Japanese medical society as a 100% cure for the following diseases:

Headache, body ache, heart system, arthritis, fast heart beat, epilepsy, excess fatness, bronchitis asthma, TB, meningitis, kidney and urine diseases, vomiting, gastritis, diarrhea, piles, diabetes, constipation, all eye diseases, womb, cancer and menstrual disorders, ear nose and throat diseases.

METHOD OF TREATMENT

1. As you wake up in the morning before brushing teeth, drink 4 x 160ml glasses of water .....interesting

2. Brush and clean the mouth but do not eat or drink anything for 45 minutes

3. After 45 minutes you may eat and drink as normal.

4. After 15 minutes of breakfast, lunch and dinner do not eat or drink anything for 2 hours

5. Those who are old or sick and are unable to drink 4 glasses of water at the beginning may commence by taking little water and gradually increase it to 4 glasses per day.

6. The above method of treatment will cure diseases of the sick and others can enjoy a healthy life.

The following list gives the number of days of treatment required to cure/control/reduce main diseases:

1. High Blood Pressure - 30 days

2. Gastric - 10 days

3. Diabetes - 30 days

4. Constipation - 10 days

5. Cancer - 180 days

6. TB - 90 days

7. Arthritis patients should follow the above treatment only for 3 days in the 1st week, and from 2nd week onwards - daily.

This treatment method has no side effects, however at the commencement of treatment you may have to urinate a few times.

It is better if we continue this and make this procedure as a routine work in our life.

Drink Water and Stay healthy and Active.

This makes sense .. The Chinese and Japanese drink hot tea with their meals ..not cold water. Maybe it is time we adopt their drinking habit while eating!!! Nothing to lose, everything to gain...

For those who like to drink cold water, this article is applicable to you.

It is nice to have a cup of cold drink after a meal. However, the cold water will solidify the oily stuff that you have just consumed. It will slow down the digestion.
Once this 'sludge' reacts with the acid, it will break down and be absorbed by the intestine faster than the solid food. It will line the intestine. Very soon, this will turn into fats and lead to cancer. It is best to drink hot soup or warm water after a meal.

A serious note about heart attacks: Women should know that not every heart attack symptom is going to be the left arm hurting.
Be aware of intense pain in the jaw line.

You may never have the first chest pain during the course of a heart attack.

Nausea and intense sweating are also common symptoms.

60% of people who have a heart attack while they are asleep do not wake up.

Pain in the jaw can wake you from a sound sleep.

Let's be careful and be aware. The more we know, the better chance we could survive...

"There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It's called marriage."
-James Holt McGavran

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and
the second one didn't."
-Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
-Nash

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to
forget it once...
-Anonymous

A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO WHAT A MAN IS REALLY SAYING:

I'M HUNGRY.
I'm hungry.

I'M SLEEPY.
I'm sleepy.

I'M TIRED.
I'm tired.

I'VE GOTTA GO.
Get out of the way and stay away until it clears.

WHAT'S WRONG?
I don't see why you're making such a big deal out of this.

WHAT'S WRONG?
What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
I liked it better before.

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
$50 and it doesn't look that much different!

YES, I LIKE THE WAY YOU CUT YOUR HAIR.
For $50 they should have GIVEN YOU hair!

LET'S TALK, HONEY.
I'm trying to impress you by showing you that I am a deep person, and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

WILL YOU MARRY ME?
I might as well get tax benefits for going through these talks.

IS THERE ANYTHING YOU CAN ADD?

From
Unknown Author

The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."

"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"

Oh-oh....

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?"

Thoughts and stories from & on the job.

My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary. He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?" I told him, "Nope ! I do this for free."

This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation stuff too. I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday." I couldn't resist and added a note: "And now you know why too".

Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the paper shredder with a confused look on her face. I asked if she needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?" I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work the shredder. She stood there a moment with yet another confused expression, so I said, "Any questions ?" She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"

People always say that hard work never killed anybody. Oh yeah ??? When's the last time you ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".

Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever. There was never anybody around to appreciate it.

Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology. Not only did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some of them even got ulcers.

Did you ever notice the people who complain the most about not having enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop & tell everyone that they don't have enough time to do all their work.

Memory loss is a common complaint, and it’s typically blamed on aging. People fear that memory lapses are signs of what’s in store.

But take note: Dementia – a mental decline advanced enough to affect daily activities, the most common form of which is Alzheimer’s disease – is more than forgetfulness.

Though it’s impossible to predict memory loss, you can do your best to prevent it. Simply follow these 10 Steps suggested by Paul Takahashi, M.D.- a geriatrics and an expert on cognitive decline.

Step 1 : Exercise your mind – just as physical activity keeps your body strong, mental activity keeps your mind sharp and agile. Regardless of age, an active brain produces new dendrites – connections between nerve cells that allow cells to communicate with one another. This helps the brain store and retrieves information more easily, no matter what your age. ( i.e. reading, interacting with people)

Step 2: Stay physically active –daily physical activity can help improve cash flow. However you choose to get moving, include these three activities as important fitness components –in your routine:

• Aerobic Activity- such as brisk walking, bicycling or swimming slow the age-related loss of aerobic capacity-the ability of your heart, lungs and blood vessels to deliver adequate oxygen to your muscles during physical activity.
• Strength training -Increase your strength by using weights or elastic resistance bands can slow or even reverse the loss of muscle associated with aging.
• Stretching- increases the range in which you can bend and stretch joints, muscles and ligaments, helping to decrease stiffness and prevent injury.

Step 3: Eat, drink and be healthy – Eat a diet rich in antioxidants like fruits and vegetables – those substances that protect and nourish brain cells. Drink water instead of soft drinks, coffee or other beverages that may dehydrate you as it is essential to the human body.

Step 4: Develop a system of reminders and cues – Information comes at you from all directions all the time. An extra steps to remind you of what’s important. Work with these memory triggers;

• Write it down
• Establish a routine
• Set up cues
• Practice repetition

Step 5: Take time to remember things: Normal aging changes the brain, which makes your mind slightly less efficient in processing new information. Forgetfulness may indicate nothing more than having too much on your mind. Slow down and pay full attention to the task at hand, whatever it may be.

Step 6: Learn relaxation techniques: Stress and anxiety can interfere with concentration, so it’s important to take time to relax- really relax.

Step 7: Keep a positive attitude: “Happiness plays an enormous role in your outlook on life,” says Dr. Takahashi, ”Happiness makes you alert- and when you’re alert, your senses are more open to receiving information.” Study show that optimists tend to live longer.

Step 8: Talk to your doctor: If you or your family worries about your memory, get evaluated. Your doctor may be able to determine whether the cause is treatable.

Step 9: Check your levels: Know your blood pressure, cholesterol and blood sugar levels.

Step 10: Keep your perspective: “We all lose a little bit of memory overtime, “says Dr. Takahashi. “ But years of experience often make up for the little bit of mental sharpness we’ve lost.”

Everyone has difficulty remembering things at times. So don’t lose sight of how much you do remember. Wisdom is built from a lifetime of memories.

Source: MayoClinic.com

Mens' minds decline more with age?
Trend holds true for cognitive tests, but real-world brain power likely varies
By Andrea Thompson

Everyone becomes a little more forgetful as they get older, but men's minds decline more than women's, according to the results of a worldwide survey.
Certain differences seem to be inherent in male and female brains: Men are better at maintaining and manipulating mental images (useful in mathematical reasoning and spatial skills), while women tend to excel at retrieving information from their brain's files (helpful with language skills and remembering the locations of objects).
Many studies have looked for a connection between gender and the amount of mental decline people experience as they age, but the results have been mixed.

Some studies found more age-related decline in men than in women, while others saw the reverse or even no relationship at all between sex and mental decline. Those results could be biased because the studies involved older people, and women live longer than men: The men tested are the survivors, "so they're the ones that may not have shown such cognitive decline," said study team leader Elizabeth Maylor of the University of Warwick in England.

Within each age group studied, men and women performed better in their respective categories on average. And though performance declined with age for both genders, women showed significantly less decline than men overall. Women slowed down more in terms of their decline, but when comparing men and women of the same age, men showed a greater amount of decline.

© 2007 LiveScience.com

WHETHER WE AGREE OR NOT, LET'S CHECK IT OURSELVES!

Through web page search today, i came accross with the page Xpress By Vikram Singh Barhat, Leisure Reporter, which tackles the above subject. I'll re-publish the following arguments:

Members of both sexes agree that their partner’s annoying habits can be real love busters.

BAD HABITS

Hate His Habits

Throwing dirty clothes on the floor
Doesn’t put the toilet seat down
Doesn’t talk enough
Dresses sloppily or goes around looking dirty
Picking his nose
Hogging the TV remote
Never doing anything around the house

Hate Her Habits

Moody
Nagging, complaining and too talkative
Obsessed with cleanliness
Showering too often and for too long
Too emotional and too touchy

Expecting her man to read her mind * What’s your partner’s worst habit?

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel.

Q: Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many men?
A: No phone numbers.

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

HO HO HO HO!!

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary.

HE SAID, SHE SAID;

What a woman says:
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON!
Blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
Blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
Blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
Blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan?

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.

Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to Me. Who is this?

Caller: I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the Hospital.

Operator: Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this Hilarious but I don't have time for this!

Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree...

Caller: Oh ........God! !!!