Women should not have children after 35.
Really...35 children are enough

After all is said and done,
usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect,
therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Isn't it funny how the mood can be
ruined so quickly by just one busted condom?

"No one ever says "It's only a game,"
when their team is winning."

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come
I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?

Why is it that most nudists are people
you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary.
Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than
thirty percent of the people in this world.

Home is where you can say anything you
like 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

Regular naps prevent old age.....
especially if you take them while driving.

I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.

The most precious thing we have is life.
Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.